Okay, in an effort to experiment with different blog-writing styles, I will attempt to write a list of the "TOP TEN MOST AMUSING THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME TODAY".
10) Just now on the late show with David Letterman during his daily monologue/stand up routine, he announced that both of Saddams sons were killed today. The audience burst into a joyful applause. I may cry.
9) Due to my (and I quote ) "excellent financial record", I was pre-approved for an American Express card. Go consumerism!
8) I went the doctor today. After a rather *intrusive* visit, my doctor (Dr. Lam - no religious references, please) told me some suspicious news about my - well, down there. I kinda started to cry, and she actually said "Well, at least you're not going to die." wtf!
7) I'm sorry, that one gets two numbers. At least I'm not going to die!!!???!! Oh yeah, then after that she put me on some pills and told me that as long as I was taking them (7 days) I couldn't drink any alcohol or I would have a violent reaction. In a nutshell, my hoo-ha is sad, sex feels yucky, and now I can't even have a goddamn drink!
6) My window is smashed in my car, basically making it available to whatever homeless person gets dibs to use it as a bed for the evening. But this morning, my car smelled really good - like patchouli and roses, or the way "Like A Prayer" smelled when I first bought the album. I pictured a really cute, homeless-by-choice hippy girl sleeping there, and it made me happy.
5) Earlier, there was a man on the street with a sign about needing a job due to being laid off. He was just standing there by the whole foods parking lot being completely ignored by all these people who pretend to care about the environment. Aside from being incredibly sad, I also managed to observe that his scenario appeared to be straight out of O Brother Where Art Thou. The man had only a few teeth, and along side him were his three blonde lil'uns, complete with bare feet and overalls. I wondered if I was being secretly manipulated by Disney as I slipped him a twenty.
4) Does number five make me seem like a bad person? Anyway, um...
Today I realized that I really hate the name Jeff. Geoff is okay, but just Jeff has got to go.
Alright, top ten lists are much harder than I gave any of the Letterman writers credit for. I just can't lower my blog's worth by trying to come up with anymore numbers. Besides, #4 doesn't really count. Sorry Jeffs.
Sorry Judy. So, I guess this is me beginning a blog. I dunno why, it just seemed like the right thing to do. I fully acknowledge that I have less to offer than other blog-contributors. I am not wryly funny (like Sean), nor enigmatic (like Kristin) nor am I a social butterfly (like Michele and Gene) nor getting laid consecutively by different European men (Cody). I don’t even have a painting of myself to post on my site (btw Kati, in the painting you look chillingly similar to the senators daughter in Silence of the Lambs. Spoo-k-k-k-y).
I will have my blog anyway, tho. I think my little stories are interesting and well worth chronicling, even if no one else does.
My first blog story will not be about the family of assholes and mini-assholes that I waited on tonight, because they sucked so much that they don’t even deserve another word. Bitches.
My first blog story will be about the charming Lord of the Rings boys that I had the pleasure of waiting on last night. First I waited on Sean Astin, the Samwise Gamgee/Goonies guy. At least I think that’s who he was. Everyone kept making a big deal about his food getting there on time, and the whole evening I was confused about who was the celebrity and who was just the friend of the celebrity! I still am, kind of - I mean, metaphorically.
Anyway, the Goonies guy was very complimentary and sweet. Also, he kept touching me throughout the evening, which I normally would not tolerate from a customer (yea right) but with him it was kind of exciting, since he was, you know, a celebrity and all. (Or was that his friend?)
Later on in the evening around midnight, a very tiny and very drunk Elija Wood staggered into the restaurant. (He really was tiny. I allowed him to stand on a step above me during our conversation so I would not be forced to squat.) He asked if it was too late to eat dinner, I accused him of trying to make me work late, and we were friends instantly. I told him that my car had been broken into (yes, for the fifth time, people!) and he immediatly hugged me while his sexy Vueve Cliquot -drinking friend offered to beat the culprit(s) up. I replied that I would have kicked the culprits ass myself if I’d known who he was. And I did not return the hug.
So there it is - a sparkling example of me keeping my composure when confronted with psuedo-celebrities, as unprecedented as this episode was.
Okay no more name-dropping for a really long time. I guess I’ll just brush my teeth and go crawl in bed with Ash(ton Kutcher).