septembre 24, 2003

Jose and Jos B

Me: (to waiter) I'll have the lobster burrito, and I'll take the chile verde on the side.

Ash: I'll have the enchilada combo.

Me: I hate chile verde...

Ash: Me too.

Me: Does anyone like chile verde?

Ash: I don't think so. It's the mexican mistake.

Posted by robyn at 06:31 PM

septembre 18, 2003

The Couple That Prays Together, Stays Together?

Nothing bothers me more than the smell of cigarette smoke on my boyfriend. I have yet to figure out why this smell infuriates me so much, but I know that my feelings are akin to Halle Berry's in "Monsters Ball", when she notices smeared chocolate on the face of her obese 11-year-old son and proceeds to beat the shit out of him.

My hatred of cigarette smoke in general is pretty valid, I think, if for no other reason than the fact that it's hazardous to ones health and stinky. It's something I can abide if absolutely necessary, of course, like if I'm waiting on a table of people who are smoking, or if a close friend of mine is a smoker.

I guess the thing that irks me the most is a non-smoker smoking. Sure, we've all done it (except Dave), while drunk at a party or while trying to bed an actual smoker, or both. Some of us have even been actual smokers for a while, which is sad but acceptable because at least we were committed. But if you're not drinking, seducing, or addicted, what the hell is the point of smoking, ASHLEY, when your girlfriend - yes, the one you share a small bed with - fucking hates the smell! And taste! And, just, general principal of it all!!!!!!!!! raaarr!

Posted by robyn at 12:26 AM

septembre 13, 2003

Somebody Beheaded My Marigolds!

My landlord's assistant guy, Doug, does a lot of gardening for us. Sometimes he comes over when he's bored or needs to work on his tan, and just sort of stands around the yard, looking like he's doing stuff. Sometimes we gossip about the neighbors in back who are worth gossiping about because they (Les and Susan) are married but Les is gay and an alcoholic. He gets really drunk and yells at us to shut the fuck up when we're being loud at night, and then completely denies it the next day. "Oh I would never say that!".

Anyway, Doug planted a bunch of, well, plants the other day, including some beautiful marigolds. They were all orange and pert and I loved them. Marigolds are also cool because bees don't like the odor they give off, and hence stay far away from them. Bees = scary. But this morning when I woke up and wandered outside, they had all been beheaded! Each of the 4 stems that had been planted was completely stripped of all it's leaves, and the orange flower bud had been cleanly detached, laying in the dirt next to the bottom of the stem.

Who would do this, I ask?!? My list of suspects includes Laura the little nuisance from nextdoor, snails, and the coyotes (pronounced ky-oats. coyoteees are for sissies) not necessarily in that order. If anyone has any other suggestions, it is his or her obligation to come forward. I must avenge the unrightful deaths of my innocent plants!

Posted by robyn at 03:55 AM

septembre 06, 2003

"I am a vessel. Fill me."

Yea, this was forwarded to me. But so what, it's funny.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little
sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wi! t and the
person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a
serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into our
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): ! The color! you turn after finding half a grub
in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole

Posted by robyn at 03:47 PM

Sapporo? Tomorrow.

Yesterday I went to the dentist. It was a sad, sad day for me because it was the decisive moment when I realized that I am, in fact, now an adult. The factors leading me to this conclusion were as follows:

1) I chose the dentist myself. (I actually called 1-800-dentist! rad!) and
2) I paid the dentist myself. So far, I have shelled out $221.47, with another seven hundred or so to go.

The only thing that helped ease the trauma of Adult Day was the valium.
It begun with the receptionist handing me a wee blue pill in a pink plastic cup. I swallowed it, grabbed a Seventeen, eased into the fuzzy banana chair, and waited.
Unfortunately, Valium takes about an half and hour before you feel it, so I was forced to spend a lot more time with Seventeen magazine than I had anticipated. (An interview with Paris Hilton actually quoted her calling the press "retarded".)
Then "The Crystal Ship" came on the radio, and I didn't know if I was actually high yet or just being persuaded into thinking I was high by Jim Morrison.
Finally, as Queen sang "HE'S JUST A POOR BOY FROM A POOR FAM-I-LEE!" and it was all I could do to keep myself from singing along loudly from my fuzzy banana chair, I knew the Valium had worked. Someone came in, drilled and filled, did whatever it was they had to do, and left. I was high as a kite and loved every minute of it. Thanks Dr. Rosenson!

In other news, on Wednesday I saw Time Flies at the Globe Theatre, a compilation of short plays written by David Ives, following his first compilation All In The Timing, which a few of us were obsessed with during high school. The shorts were overall pretty good - some were hilarious and others were very not hilarious and trying to be deep instead.
None, however, were as good as "The Philadelphia", from All In The Timing, which was marvelously acted by Sean Keane and Dustin Reed at the College Park One Act festival. Yours truly also starred as "the Waitress", having been re-cast the day of the performance since the role's original owner, Shannon McGuire, was having (surprise surprise) personal problems. Ahh, the pants-peeing good ol' days.

Posted by robyn at 01:38 PM